The Italian newspaper Domani and The Why Wait Agenda are continuing their collaboration with a series of reports on the issue of choosing to have children. This ninth article was published in Italian in Domani in October 2023.
Neither the newspaper Domani nor this web magazine The Why Wait Agenda existed seventy years ago. But if they did exist, an investigation such as the one that this article is part of - "Fare figli per Domani" - would have been very different. There are some instances that couldn't be written about because they explored concepts that hadn't been invented yet, like assisted fertilization or egg freezing. Others would have been unthinkable, like the one on women who choose to be single mothers or the one on new fathers and shared parenting.
And this very article, highlighting the other side of the declining birth rate – namely large families – would have reported the stories of parents with six, eight, ten children. That's what constituted 'large' families at the time. I could have interviewed my grandmother, who had seventeen children between 1930 and 1958: the first at the age of 19, the last at almost 49. Despite having lost two at a young age, she was fortunate to live a long life until 95, while her other fifteen children were still alive and in good health.
Ever smaller families
The size of the Italian family decreased by almost half during the 20th century. According to Istat data, the average household size has dropped from 4.5 members in 1911 to 2.4 in 2011. Forget fifteen: even having four children has become an exception. A hundred years ago, around 28.2 per cent of families were composed of six or more people; today it is only 1.2 per cent of the total.
In the 1950s, Ramona's story would have definitely caused some raised eyebrows – five children from three different fathers. A “happy family, rebuilt and enlarged several times”, she says, “in which, against all odds, we are all very close”.
Five children in an extended family
Ramona's first child arrived unexpectedly in 2001, when she was just eighteen years old and her boyfriend was twenty-three. At first, they lived at his family's residence, but later on, they leased an apartment. In 2003, they welcomed their second child, but this time it was a planned addition to the family. Even though their relationship ended, they remained on such good terms that they went on holidays together with their new partners. In 2009, Ramona gave birth to her third child, but her relationship with her new partner ended. Meanwhile, she built a successful career, became a manager, and found her current husband at work, who embraced her and her family – at the time, Ramona had two children in primary school and one in kindergarten. Following their marriage, they welcomed two more daughters in 2016 and 2018, and jointly launched a web agency.
Ramona's oldest son moved out two months ago, but the family home is far from empty. Is it possible that having many children is less stressful than having just one or two? Ramona is so sure of this that she created the “Da tre figli in su” profile (“Three or more children”), which now has 7,500 followers on Instagram. “Trust me, it gets easier after the third child! The big ones look after the little ones, the little ones get spoilt by the big ones, they do things together, they play. The dynamics shift: parents don't bear the entire burden of managing the brood”.
Big and broad
Valentina had four children with the same man from 2012 to 2022. A 38-year-old law graduate from Foggia married to an oil producer; she divided her time between working as a mother, managing a franchise shop, and supporting her husband's company. Three years ago, she reassessed her situation with three children and her own business: “Even though I had employees, my entire day was consumed by work”. Then she decided to search for “another job: part-time is the ideal solution for a mother”.
Valentina entered several public competitions; she won one in education, embarked on a year-long university course “every weekend”, and started teaching. While she was assigned a temporary teaching position in Apulia for her first year, she also had her fourth child. However, when the highly anticipated permanent appointment finally arrived, it was a blow for her. Location: Sarezzo, in the province of Brescia. Seven hundred kilometres from home. So, since late August this year, Valentina's family has been divided. The two oldest children stay in Apulia, where their father cares for them alongside their four grandparents. She took the two youngest ones to Lombardy.
The separation is not only emotionally painful but also financially draining, “I'm losing money on rent and childcare expenses. But it is an investment, because this permanent contract”, with its reduced hours, will make her life more “compatible with being a mother of four children”. For the first year, transfer requests are not permitted, but there is a possibility that she could be assigned to a school in her region starting from next year.
In 2018, Roberta, a computer engineer turned teacher, began her career transition after 20 years as a freelancer. She now teaches at a middle school. She 'only' has three children, but in a city like Milan that already seems heroic: “I often hear people say «how brave!», sometimes they even ask me «but are they all yours?»”. Staying true to the Italian trend, she had them relatively late – at thirty-six, thirty-eight, and forty. Her oldest child is now fifteen and her youngest is eleven.
Roberta is happy with how her life has changed, but she believes the state should focus more on “women's employment policies. The truth is, if you have a certain kind of career and three children, you must set aside that career. It's impossible to manage; you'll have to compromise. Either outsource your family responsibilities or give up your job. Having to make that choice is the worst thing”. To address this, we need to “implement workplace nurseries and provide more flexible working hours”.
Universal child benefit
How about the economic support policies? Those help too. Italy did not provide any incentives for families with a medium-high income like Roberta's during her three pregnancies. Her monthly income from the State is now “178 euros, but it doesn't impact our budget as it is a ridiculous amount for five people living in Milan”. This is the 'basic' share, without any increases, of the universal child benefit – the 'assegno unico universale', a measure launched by the Italian government to 'encourage the birth rate, support parenthood and promote employment, particularly among women'; it has been in force since March 2022.
“Although financial benefits cannot be considered, per se, the reason why people want to have a child” write the scholars Alessandro Rosina and Francesca Luppi in an essay published last year in the Rivista delle Politiche Sociali, “when they are well targeted and proportionate they help to reduce, integrated with other measures, the uncertainty in the decision-making process of those who want to have a child”. Therefore, universal child benefit, which is currently drawn by 5.8 million households in Italy, with an average monthly amount of 157 euro per family, is to be welcomed: “We get 1,300 euro for all four children; it is a vital support for me”, says Valentina. Ramona believes that state support should be accessible to all individuals, not just employees. She shares, “Currently, we receive 1,096 euros per month, but only four out of my five children are considered in the calculation because the oldest one is employed”.
Precious time
When considering having another child, time tends to play an even bigger role than money. Daniele and Sara, for example, had a child in 2013 and another in 2016. “I've always longed for a big family”, he confesses, “but with a job that kept me away from home, even having two children was challenging. Along with my eight-hour workday, I used to factor in three hours for commuting. It made me feel terrible that I was leaving Sara with the burden”. She, in turn, has a demanding job: she runs the family shop in Genoa. “I used to tell him, «if you change jobs, we'll think about a third child»”, Sara recalls: “And I did switch jobs!” laughs Daniele. His commute has been reduced to 15 minutes and he has been doing an excellent job taking care of his three children (the last one was born eight months ago!).
Through their Instagram profile 'Famiglia di matti' (Crazy family) Sara and Daniele promote shared parenting: “What does the government need to do urgently to support big families? Equal paternity leave”.
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