The Grief, the Uncharted Territory of Egg Donation, and the Joy That Grew Around It: Becky Kearns on Motherhood and Hope

Becky Kearns was 27 when she and her partner decided to try for a baby. After six months without success, she became concerned, but her GP turned her away twice and told her to keep trying. A year later, she was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. This led to a difficult journey through IVF, which eventually brought her and her partner to egg donation – and, finally, to three daughters.

Kearns is a patient advocate, fertility blogger, and founder of DefiningMum, Paths to Parenthood and Fertility Matters at Work. She won the Best Fertility Advocate Award 2025 and, that same year, was part of the team behind Paths to Parenthood, which received the Best Fertility Educational Project Award. Both awards are part of the Fertility Care Awards, created by the European Fertility Society to honor leading figures in global fertility care.

Eleonora Voltolina, journalist and founder of The Why Wait Agenda, met Becky Kearns in Paris, on the sidelines of Eshre 2025, to record this episode – part of a series we are publishing alongside Eshre 2026, held in London from 5 to 8 July.

Building a Safe Space to Speak

DefiningMum began in 2018 as an Instagram account where Kearns shared her own experience of failed IVF cycles and the decision to move to donor conception. «I felt very, very alone», she recalls, and started posting «to try and give people that hope, that hope that you could still be a mom». The response was overwhelming, with people finding her account and reaching out: Kearns built a dedicated platform, Paths to Parenthood, to give that growing community a home. It has now «supported over 1,500 people worldwide on their donor conception path», with events including an annual virtual donor conception summit and in-person gatherings in the UK. Kearns runs it with Hayley King, who partners with her on the platform and who «might be the very first IVF sperm donor conceived baby in the world». Kearns keeps returning to a line from writer Anne Voskamp that has guided all her work: «Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces».

Not defined by biology

Kearns is candid about the fears that came with choosing an egg donor: «Would I feel like the real mum? Would the donor one day replace me as a mum?». Looking back, motherhood turned out to mean much more than DNA alone: «I very much believe that the role of mum or dad is what you do day in, day out. It isn't defined by biology. And that's where the name "Defining Mum" came from». Of donor-conceived people who go on to meet a donor, she says simply: «They're an addition, not a replacement».

The anonymity debate

After a long wait for a donor in the UK, Kearns and her partner travelled to the Czech Republic for treatment, where they were able to use the eggs of an anonymous donor – a decision she now sees differently: «My only regret from the whole process is that the girls, who are now the most amazing little human beings, don't have that choice to find out about their genetic origins». She now favors the UK's «open ID at 18» model, arguing that it «centers the needs of the child more». Anonymity itself, if one thinks about it, is more and more tenuous: «We live in a world where DNA testing is so prevalent that even through a first cousin you can potentially find out who that person is».

Egg donation, still banned in many countries

Through Paths to Parenthood, Kearns has members who «live in Germany or Switzerland who have no other choice but to go abroad» because MAR through gamete donation «is not supported in their countries». What puzzles her is the asymmetry with sperm donation, permitted in both: «I find this fascinating that sperm donation is allowed, yet egg donation isn't». She points to well-regulated systems like the UK's as a possible model for reform.

A workplace that stays silent

Alongside DefiningMum and Paths to Parenthood, Kearns co-founded Fertility Matters at Work with fellow HR professionals Natalie Silverman and Claire Ingle, who, like her, had «never had anybody come to us to say, I need support because I'm going through fertility treatment». Four years later, the nonprofit works with more than 40 UK employers, including some global companies. They train managers and campaign in Parliament for a legal right to time off for fertility appointments. New research on fertility and work is also underway in the UK, France, Poland, Japan, and Australia.

Grief, and the joy that grew around it

Kearns doesn't shy from naming what donor conception has cost her, even after everything it gave her. «The grief is still there around the fact that I don't share that genetic link», she admits, «but I always describe it as though so much joy has grown around it and color, and it's transformational». For a long time, she didn't recognize that feeling for what it was: «I don't think I realized I was grieving at the time. I think for people to understand that – and understand that it is an emotional journey – can really help to normalize those feelings. It is okay to grieve». It's the understanding she now offers every parent who reaches out to Paths to Parenthood: the grief is real, and so, in time, is the joy that grows around it.